2016 was full of a whole lot of rubbish chat and not a lot of action. Seriously all I heard was people talking about how unhappy they are with life, how their 5 year plan isn’t working out and how they can’t wear that dress because it clashes with their boyfriends hair colour.
I MEAN SERIOUSLY GIMME A BREAK
In order to tackle 2017 with moderately more finesse than the past 12 months of debacles, I’ve drawn on hindsight to S P E L L it out for you all. My top tips for 2017 (that may or may not be drawn completely out of thin air with no prior thought).
- DON’T FOLLOW THE UK AND USA BY EXAMPLE AND JUST EXPECT THINGS TO WORK OUT. Because we all know what happens when we rest on our laurels. Work hard, stop talking shit, start actually doing shit, and the rewards will follow. It’s funny I write this because I am the queen of shit talking and never following through on anything so this advice is predominantly (i.e. 99.9833647%) aimed at me.
- DON’T FOLLOW THE RULES. I could write a novel on this. Stop following the rules of life. Stop thinking your career, relationship, social life, etc etc etc has to perfectly fit into the mould that you expected it would when you were 12. BECAUSE IT WON’T HAPPEN. Or I mean, maybe it will, and you’ll have this haze of self-validation floating above your life for a little while. But 2017 is going to be a windy one and I pretty much money-back guarantee that the haze will blow away and you will be left thinking shit maybe I should have done that one thing that was always “too reckless”, or “too immature”. But by then it will be too late. So flick the self-validation an almighty bird and just do whatever you want to do NOW. Quit your job, move away, go travelling, go off the grid, go skydiving, get that sleeve tattoo. Just do it because life rules are invented by society for suckers who don’t know what else to think or believe in. Don’t be a sucker.
- We all have that list of things we wanted to do on the weekend but couldn’t because ‘other stuff’ came up. WRITE THAT LIST DOWN AND STICK TO THE LIST LIKE YOU’RE ROSE ON THAT HAD-ENOUGH-ROOM-FOR-TWO-PIANO-TOP. Complete the list. Complete. The. List. That way, the fulfillment you’re searching for in the whole rule following thing we discussed in bullet point 2, will be satiated. In the best type of ‘I ate way too much chocolate and ice cream but I also exercised today so it’s fine’ satiation.
- Get the haircut you’re too scared to get.
- Get the piercings you’re too scared will hurt/ look ridiculous (HELLO 2017 SEPTUM I’M COMING FOR YOU)
- Message the boy/girl/it you’re way too scared won’t reply and EMBRACE THE UNDENIABLE REJECTION LIKE A STORM TROOPER. Mainly because it will make you heaps tougher for the 23 other times it happens this year (not speaking from experience…)
Once you’ve done all these things, buy a packet of glitter, and pour it over all your belongings. You’ll be sleeping/eating/wearing/shitting glitter for the next 12 months and it will be SO WORTH IT.